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Why Your Team Sucks 2017: Carolina Panthers

Why Your Team Sucks 2017: Carolina Panthers
From Deadspin - August 7, 2017

Some people are fans of the Carolina Panthers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Carolina Panthers. This 2017 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.

Your team: Carolina Panthers.

Your 2016 record: 6-10. Hey, who would have guessed a team coached by Ron Rivera and dependent on its QB for 99 percent of its yardage would IMMEDIATELY regress back to the mean after a fluke 15-1 season? I couldve made more money betting on that than betting on Mayweather.

As you may recall, the Panthers Week 1 rematch with Denver was somehow a more brutal loss than Super Bowl 50, and marked the beginning of a procession of vicious Cam Newton headshots that plays like a police misconduct showreel. Cam doesnt even remember that first game. And remember when he got speared in the head against Washington and they ended up penalizing HIM on the play? That was fun. As a matter of fact, the 2016 Panthers are probably our greatest historic case study for football not existing at all. Look at Luke Kuechly, crying and disoriented after sustaining a potentially lethal concussion

What do you even say, man? Dour prickface Jerry Richardson is raking in paper sending these poor guys out there to get killed. I am not exactly thrilled to watch it happen all over again.

On the lighter side of failure, I dont have the exact numbers on me but Im quite sure this is the only team that Roberto Aguayo made a field goal against. They also cut Bene Benwikere after Julio Jones racked up 300 yards receiving against them. Good job letting Josh Norman walk. Youf**king morons. The season-long fiasco resulted in the firing of GM Dave Gettleman, who then had his ass set on fire by every Panther he ever shoved out the door:

Popular guy!

Your coach: Glorified Best Buy manager Ron Rivera. Remember when he benched Cam for not wearing a tie? WHAT BOLDNESS. It takes real guts to submarine an entire game by trotting Derek Anderson out there because you know the owner will make frowny faces at any player rocking af**king turtleneck.

Your quarterback: Cam Newton.

At this point, I have no choice but to believe the Panthers are actively trying to kill their own quarterback. How else to explain leaving him in the game after shots like this, and with a shoulder that would later need offseason surgery? Or paying Matt KalilMATT FUCKING KALIL$25 million to protect his blindside? Do you know how insane that signing is? Im not just saying that because Im a bitter Vikings fan and watched Kalil play toll booth attendant to every defensive end in the league for the past four seasons. No no, the rest of league was also well aware of Kalils physical and mental fragility, and the Panthers still opened the vault for him anyway. Cam should retire and spend the rest of his days wearing paisley romp-hims at Coachella.

By the way, Cam still has no idea how to hold a press conference without looking like someone stole his lunch out of the office fridge. And Id still like an explanation for thiss**t

Why cant he use normal letters? What poor assistant does he force to pound out Instagram captions inf**king wingdings? Only Prince was allowed to do this kind ofs**t. That 15-1 season? That was Cams one shot. Hes 8-8 from here on out.

Whats new that sucks: Everything new about this team is old. They brought back Julius Peppers for a farewell tour and, in a completely bonkers move, decided to replace Gettleman with former GM Marty Hurney. The whole reason they hired Gettleman was to get them out of the cap hell that Hurney put them in to begin with! What in the tealf**k is going on here?

Hurneys re-emergence coincides nicely with the Panthers resurrected belief that they can protect Cam and win more games simply by employing 7,000,000 running backs. They drafted Christian McCaffrey andwell now, this will STUN YOUbut his jersey is already listed at the top of the Top Sellers category on the teams NFL Shop page. WHO COULD HAVE GUESSED? Thesef**king fans. By Week 10, theyll want him starting at quarterback.

As someone who bore witness to Toby Gerharts pro career, youll excuse me if Im not a big believer in white running backs from Stanford who get a token invite to the Heisman ceremony. Theres also something hilarious about this team drafting a multipurpose back and then entrusting him to Mike Shula. Thats like handing a Porsche to a dog. The next time a Panthers wideout or back goes in motion will the first time. Poor Lil Caff is gonna get sent out into the flat 40 times a game. Really gives the safety a nice target to launch at, you know?

Kony Ealy is a Patriot. Kelvin Benjamin is fat now.

What has always sucked: Theres a certain cruelty in the fact that Charlotte is both North Carolinas largest city and also, by far, the boringest town in that state. Asheville is Austin with a more reasonable climate. Wilmington is gorgeous. The Research Triangle is af**king blast. Charlotte is a bank branch someone made into a whole city, presided over by Richardson and his anodyne football team.

As long as Newton remains the centerpiece of the Panthers, he will be emblematic of the culture war raging inside this state. He is a cool and wondrous player who is, virtually every waking moment, subjected to beatings both physical and verbal, from opponents and from the deranged yokel factions of this fanbase that demand Cam Newton be anyone other than Cam Newton.

It will always be this way. Always. Every goddamn year, Im gonna have to hear about how Cam has to change his style of play, or why Cam cant take winning in stride, or why Cam shouldnt have worn those seersucker shorts to the podium. There will always be a section of this fanbase that roots for Cam reluctantly, like theyre biting their tongues at the Thanksgiving dinner table. And all that all subdued hostility stems directly from Richardson, a sullen pig who made his money fattening up Americans and strong-arming anyone who asked him to pay them fairly. Ill never get over this old story he told, with gushing pride, to Charlie Rose:

Richardson, who said that Newton was dressed perfectly for their meeting, was blunt. I said, Do you have any tattoos? Richardson told Rose. He said, No, sir. I dont have any. I said, Do you have any piercings? He said, No, sir. I dont have any. I said, We want to keep it that way. . . . .

We want to keep no tattoos, no piercings, and I think youve got a very nice haircut.

Interjected the host: You sound like a Lombardi.

Said Richardson, No, I just sound reasonable to me.

Getf**ked, old man. Everything good about this team will be at his mercy until he finally drops dead, just as all the cool things about North Carolina are at the constant mercy of dipshit rednecks that hate queers in thes**tter and blacks at quarterback. This is just all so EXHAUSTING. Maybe the Panthers should take some time off and come back after Richardson is gone and his statue has been melted down to scrap metal and the team has moved.

Also, the wideouts are still puke.

Did you know? Rae Carruth is due to get out of prison next year. Given this teams penchant for retreads, theyll probably bring him on as wideout coach.

What might not suck: Cam could be lanced by an oncoming horseman and still be good for at least one rushing TD a game. Really the only way to keep NFL QBs healthy is to clone 32 Cams.

HEAR IT FROM PANTHERS FANS!

Miles:

Fuck Jerry Richardson with a thickburger.

Andy:

Our geriatric owner, who engineered the 2011 lockout that was wholly based on the owners wanting tof**k over the players, fired the GM that won 3 division titles in 4 years, engineering a team that came within a whisker of starting 18-0. The reason? Basically because he was too Belichickian with the players. Because who wants to emulate the most successful coach in football history, right?

Mitch:

The Panthers have made it to two Super Bowls and once won three straight division titles. We have yet to have back-to-back winning seasons.

Stanford:

I hated Michael Oher so much for being as useful as a sack of potatoes in the Super Bowl, I had no idea he only played in three games last year. Thank God hes gone now.

Fucking LaVar Ball played for this team.

Fuck Sir Purr.

John:

They let Steve Smith walk, sign RBs like theyre going to resurrect the Oklahoma wishbone, then send out Cam Newton again with zero offensive help and expect him to put the rest of the offensive unit on his shoulders, only to watch him get his skull beat in while Roger Goddell smugly smiles in watching the destruction of another black quarterback.

What do they do to improve the situation?Why, more running backs, of course!They draft Christian McCaffery and some guy from West Georgia (that I know the school and not his name should speak volumes).

To top it all off, ours**tbag owner has the nuts to jam the city of Charlotte for $75 million in stadium improvements, with a team option to fleece another $50 million from the city in the future, and were still left with a field that looks like grandpas farm in Nebraska.Then, Richardson tries to redeem himself by firing his GM (who deserved it), but replace him with a guy whos only highlight on his GM resume is bathing Bobby Bethards nutsack with baby wipes.

Fuck me andf**k Mike Shula with Ushers cock.

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